Living Life

Holly

When I first heard her heartbeat on the ultrasound, I became invulnerable.  Nothing could bring me down.

When I held her head up because she couldn't when we sat on the couch, I had purpose.

When she rode on my shoulders on nighttime walks, she would awkwardly point and in some sort of halfway intelligible syllables would ask, "what's that."  Those were my best teaching moments.

When she said I picked on her too much, I learned to try and see the world through her eyes.

Now she's off to college to start her adult life.  Did I teach her well enough?  Did I give her the tools to succeed?  I guess if I still pay her cell phone bill, her call back to me to ask for help will be free for her.

Big changes for me, good changes for her.  Words can't capture it all, but I think her deeds will.

What's your outlook?

I believe people are predisposed to a certain type of attitude.  I have minimal scientific evidence for this, but observation suggests that some people are always happy, no matter what, and some are less than happy, no matter what. 

In looking at myself, after active duty I seemed to be high for about 8 months.  I had energy, time, a new lease on life, and nothing could stop me.  But now, almost 2 years after, I'm back to feeling busy, somewhat stressed, and things get to me. Nothing's really changed since I retired, yet my outlook is different.  I wonder if I'm one of those predisposed to feeling less than happy?

Also, in my observations, I've learned we can train ourselves a bit.  This month I'm facing some challenges at work, handling projects that require lots of buy in, negotiation, and are high targets for criticism.  I've been waking up not really looking forward to facing the challenges these projects present. 

Today, however, as I felt that doom and gloom, I reflected on a colleague's words that suggested I have time to dwell on the negative, and therefore I do.  With that reflection, I asked myself what positive things I could dwell on.  I started thinking about my my coworkers and how I can help them.  I started to think about being a benefit to all those I contacted.  In less than a minute, my outlook changed and now my projects were challenges to take on, instead of failures to dread.

Many things in life aren't easy, but I think we can change our outlook to make them seem easier.

Nobody sees me

I wake up to total darkness, seeing nothing.  There's a darkness that you can see shapes, sense what is in front of you.  Then there's a darkness blacker than night where you can't tell if it's dark, or if you're blind.  The floor I'm on is cold, heartless, like unforgiving steel or finely polished marble.  Where am I?  How did I get here?  What is this place?

As I stand up I see a pinpoint of light.  It draws me, like a moth to a flame, if you'll forgive the overused cliché.  It's the only thing here in this nothingness, so where else would I go?

As I approach I hear strained breathing in the darkness to my left.  "Who's there?" I say.  "Where are you?"

"Huh?" a voice replies.  It has to be right next to me.

"I can't see you, where are you?" 

"You can't see me?" the voice replies lowly.  "Nobody sees me."

"What do you mean?  I can't see anything."  I reach out, hoping to feel something, but touch nothing.

"Don't stop me, I've made my choice," the voice goes on, this time a little more distinct.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going through the door.  Can you see it?" 

I look towards the light, and sure enough, it has grown to outline a door.  It captures my attention, beckons me closer, and I faintly see a hand reach for the handle.

"Wait," I say.  "Is that you?"

"You see me now?"  the voice replies.

"A little, I see you a little now," I say as the light shines on a human shape.

"You might be the first.  No matter, I'm going through.  It's warm on the other side, and so cold back there."

I feel warmth from the door, and yes, the voice is right.  It is cold at my back.  A smell reaches me, warm, inviting.

"Do I smell muffins?"  I ask.  "Blueberry?"

"Yes!" the voice exclaims.  I can almost feel the smile from the shape.  "Right there the door.  Isn't it great?  That door is my escape." he says as he reaches for the door.

"Wait," I say.  "Something's not right here."

"What do you mean?" he asks.  "It's warm and sunny.  There's nothing bad over there.  Don't try and stop me!"

I shake my head.  "I've been here before.  I know where this is.  This isn't what you think.  The smells, the warmth, over there, is all a lie."

The form becomes more definite.  I'm talking to a young man, or maybe a little older, it's hard to tell.  "But I can feel it." he continues.

"Yes," I nod.  "It feels that way.  But it's not real.  That's not an escape, it's an end.  When you walk through that door there's no changing your mind.  There's no coming back."

"But it's cold back there," he motions behind us.

I nod again.  "Yes, it is cold, but not always.  More importantly, it's real."

"But nobody sees me.  There's only pain."

"I see you now.  And yes, there is pain.  But perhaps, one day, you'll learn to stand against that pain.  Until then, I can stand with you."

"But," and his voice drops.  "Do I have to stay here?"

"I can't stop you from walking through the door.  But I can tell you that you will miss what could be on this side."

"Can I make it?" he asks.

I nod.  "Take my hand.  We'll walk this road together.  We'll brave the cold, we'll face the pain.  I will remain at your side until you're ready to stand strong on your own.  Then it'll be your turn to help someone else live in the cold."

Darkness closes around me, and a choice has been made.

Progress Report

It's time to check in and see where I'm at.

Training is going very well, although not as well as I would have hoped.  A couple of major events interrupted my flow, but I've come to realize that interruptions are always going to happen.  Upon accepting this, now I feel a little more able to plan for the contingencies.

My stamina has increased, although my speed hasn't improved much.  My strength in the pool is much better and I predict it will improve as I put more focus on swimming.  I find that if I'm not in the water on a regular basis, my arms will tighten up quite a bit until I'm finished warming up.  This is less prevalent on biking and running.

I haven't hit the lake yet; morning temps are still in the 20s here so that will just have to wait a bit.

I'm incorporating more and more bricks into my training and still using Carmichael's book as a basis for planning, but I often deviate to handle factors like scheduling and other goals.

I'm feeling good about this year and believe I'm on the right track.

Triathlon 2011 road

Now that I've had nearly a month to think and plan about races this season, it's time to throw it out there to increase my accountability.

My first step was to pick my races which is tied closely to goal setting.  We're looking at April, Rio Rancho, a modified sprint pool tri.  June is Las Vegas (NM), an olympic lake.  July is Cochiti, another lake, sprint or olympic, and in Sept we're back to Rio Rancho for another modified sprint in the pool.  There's usually one in Elephant Butte as well, but that's not showing up on the calendar yet. (http://www.trifind.com/nm.html) 

For goal setting, all I want to do is make it to the end.  I'm not fast enough to set any records and my mental confidence in the water has waned.  My current times are 30 to 31 min for 1500 yd pool swim, 15 to 17 mph avg on the bike, and a 9:30 avg mile running.  With that, I just want a season of finishes.

Training for this involves alot of water time.  While I'm strong enough to easily complete the swim distances in a pool, I've lost alot of mental confidence I used to have for open water.  The mixture of the waves, people jostling, looking at a buoy and not feeling like you're getting closer, and a fear of getting too far from the shore to come back, all work against me.  My intent is to get lots of water time so that I feel strong when these stresses hit me.  I also want to duplicate stress in my training, so it's not such a shock in the race.  I'm doing this with mixing up and extending my breathing and swimming underwater.  When it warms up, probably around March, I plan to hit Cochiti lake alot and train there.

Biking and running are okay for me.  Getting better in those areas is just going to involve time on the road.

I still plan on lifting and doing karate which won't necessarily help my tri skills, but I love those endeavors and so will keep on them.

Finally, I get to deal with human weaknesses.  I developed a chronic pain in my hip about 5 months ago which I believe could be IT band syndrome, tendonitis, or arthritis.  This significantly retards running training, but the pain has subsided alot, so I think I'm on the right road. 

I've also developed a pain in my left shoulder which is likely arthritis, but could be tendonitis.  This only hurts in swimming, and I'm not yet ready to back that down.

In the end, I'll measure success by one data point.  Am I willing to get back into the next race and try again?

Kendo training

When I lived in Colorado Springs, I trained with Uchida sensei and found his classes very fulfilling.  I still use his mannerisms and demeanor as examples to follow.

 

Kendo

Lessons in Leadership

Some hard days behind me, and a few more ahead of me.  I believe no matter what you do, hard or easy work, fast paced or slow, varied or routine, you're going to get stressed at some points.  It just seems to be human nature.  Every time you stress out, there could be a learning opportunity.  Here's a few things I've learned.

1)  Reach out to friends, mentors, coaches, partners.  A good friend of mine, a psychiatrist, said once that you can't be your own doc.  I can tell myself something and it just won't have the same impact as when one of my partners says it. I reach out quite a bit to a select group of friends that have never failed to help me, even when they didn't know it.

2)  Review your literary sources.  I love Richard Carlson; who are your favorite authors?  An article I read today made me realize we really do get through all tough times, and come out on the good end.  The fact that we're here now proves that.

3)  Find the joy in everday movement.  I saw a complete stranger walking the sidewalk today with a huge, beaming smile.  Ok, he might have been squinting in the sun, but that doesn't matter.  He was smiling and happy and I could be, too.

4)  Try to do something you enjoy everyday.  Today I swam, reviewed homework with my son, cooked supper and cleaned the kitchen with my wife, wrote on my blog and am going to play a computer game.  As stressful as my day was, it was pretty danged good.

And when all else fails, don't forget the value of some good hair metal turned up way loud!  Breathe easy and smile, we're all going to get through this.

Your actions' impact on your sense of self worth

I have found that it is often important to untie the connection between your actions and your sense of self worth.  Some days you will do well, some days you won't.  Your performance day to day, while demonstrating your ability, is not the totality of who you are.  Attempting to serve has value in itself, and your service also creates value even if it's only a lesson in "that's not the way to do it."

Don't let your successes fool you either.  It's good to be identified as being successful, however, if you let success form your internal picture of who you are, then failure will also form that internal picture.

Remember, when you see someone else screw up, do not assume they suck because they performed poorly.  As yours, their attempt to serve has value.  If you snicker, wonder, or are critical of the person instead of the behavior, then you when you fail, you will automatically be critical of yourself instead of just your behavior at that time.

Best of luck, and never lose sight of what's important.

I met the world today

On my run this morning I met the hawk, the ground squirrel and 10 rabbits (any of which might meet that hawk later), a plum tree, sage bush, the sun, the wind, people out living well, and a school resting to get ready for Monday.  The world I met today is one of harmony, love, and peace.  Those who are motivated to malice and anger, regardless of how righteous their cause is, miss seeing this world.

Where does that motivation come from?

I've been asked a few times, how do I stay motivated to physically train?  I had to think about that for awhile, because I didn't really know the answer.  The motivation just seemed to be there, but I didn't know exactly why.  I may still not know the full answer, but after some reflection, I did discover a few things about myself.

 

First, there's a lifestyle that has shaped me into what I am today.  I recently left an organization where I worked 80 hour weeks for many years.  With all that work, there were still many opportunities for me to receive feedback about not doing enough.  I'm not bitter, it was a volunteer situation and I feel good about what I did, but the cost was brutal.  My health suffered, my fitness waned, my waist size increased... and my capabilities declined. 

 

Now, I'm no longer with that organization and feel extremely liberated.  My current job requires 45 to 50 hours per week out of me and the rest of the week is mine!  It's like I have a whole new lease on life which is extremely motivating.  I want to experience all that I missed.  I often sleep only a few hours because I don't want to miss what the next day will bring me.

 

A second factor that shapes me is I have a deathly fear of becoming old.  I don't want to be that person that has to use a walker to get around, afraid of falling off a 4 inch curb and breaking my hip.  I've seen physically fit people age well, and I want to be that.  In addition, I don't like the fact that a few years ago I could so something, but can't now.  So every time I train, every time I lift a weight, run a distance, etc, I'm fighting off the grim reaper and I'm continually proving to myself that I'm not getting old and frail.

 

I think both of these things lead to a mindset that I celebrate life every day through physical movement.  I love physical movement of all types.  It's almost euphoric to be able to move my body.  Probably because I didn't live well before, and because I'm afraid of getting too frail to live well in the future, my motivation comes from the joy of living experienced by physical training.  Everyone is different, this mindset won't work for all, but it's perfect for me.

 

Oh, and a nice by product, I'm getting better, my waist size is decreasing, etc.  But this is a by product, while the goal is to have fun living well.